1
00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:07,960
Life's too short.

2
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280
You've got to follow your dreams now
or it might be too late.

3
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:16,440
What are you doing?

4
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:20,680
Lucinda, would you do me
the greatest honour...

5
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:24,000
..of being my wife?

6
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,440
Well, what did you say?

7
00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,200
I was like, "No fucking way, Neil.

8
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,240
<font color="
than a year, you freak."

9
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:39,400
Can you be quiet, please, Lucinda?

10
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:40,840
I need you to focus.

11
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:42,440
My drag show is in four hours,

12
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:44,440
and you're not going to know
what to do in the show

13
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,040
if you keep chatting!

14
00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:47,880
Mam, are you all good
<font color="

15
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:49,120
About that...

16
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,160
..I'm not gonna be able to make
the show, Dickie.

17
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,560
What could you possibly be doing
that's more important than my show?

18
00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:55,600
It's that flippin' speed camera.

19
00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:57,920
They're making me do a speed
<font color="

20
00:00:57,920 --> 00:00:59,720
What the hell am I going to do
for a techie?

21
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,320
'Ere, let me text Mel.

22
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:03,400
She's good with lesbian stuff
like that.

23
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,360
DICKIE SIGHS
And what about the end of the show?

24
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:07,120
You're all meant to be
<font color="

25
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,360
my big show-stopping finale number!

26
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,920
Why don't Sal, Lucinda and me
lift you up together?

27
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,800
I went to the gym last Tuesday.

28
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:15,160
Don't be so ridiculous, Stewart.

29
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,120
Your pathetic withery arms
will never be able to lift me

30
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,160
<font color="

31
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,640
You need to calm down, hon.

32
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,520
You're not performing at
the Palladium, for God's sake.

33
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:24,040
Well, I never will if I adopt
your lazy attitude, Lucinda!

34
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,520
Fear not, Dickie chicky.

35
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,200
The course only lasts an hour
<font color="

36
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,000
and make the end of the show.

37
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,480
Why are you getting so aggy
about it, Dickster?

38
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:33,800
It's just a show.

39
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,560
It's not just a show, Sal,
you silly knobhead!

40
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:40,120
Besides, I've emailed a few talent
<font color="

41
00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:42,440
so it needs to go well.

42
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,880
Ooh! Ooh, that's exciting!
Have any replied?

43
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,360
Well, you could say that.

44
00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:49,960
What does that mean?

45
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,000
Well, ah, I've had a few...

46
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,520
..out-of-office replies.

47
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,080
<font color="
from the top, please.

48
00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:58,280
Come on.

49
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,160
First positions, everyone.

50
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,440
Ahhh!

51
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,720
MUSIC: Supermodel
by Ted Griggs

52
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,280
What's it looking like
out there, Sal?

53
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,560
It's filling up, babe. Looks like
<font color="

54
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,040
Hey, can you see any agents?

55
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:22,720
It's...it's hard to tell.

56
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:23,800
Is Mel here yet?

57
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,680
Yeah, she's setting up
your sound desk out front.

58
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,640
She'd better not fuck this up
for me, Sal!

59
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,640
I'll pass on the message that
<font color="

60
00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:33,400
Oh, by the way, Lucinda, I've asked
Neil to come and help out today.

61
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:34,480
I hope you don't mind.

62
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,240
You could've told me first, Dickie.
I'm still not talking to him.

63
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,360
I'm sure you'll cope, babe.

64
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,360
Eee, I bloody miss acting
<font color="

65
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,480
I didn't know you used
to be an actor, Mam.

66
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:44,840
Yes, chick.

67
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,760
Chekhov, Pinter, Zoopla -
I've done the lot.

68
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,360
Monologues coming out me arse.

69
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,280
I'd love to hear one of
your monologues.

70
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:52,640
<font color="

71
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:55,000
Oh, it's been such a long time!

72
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,760
Oh, no worries. That makes sense.

73
00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:00,840
AFFECTS SOUTHERN US ACCENT:
June 15th, 1856.

74
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,200
SLOW ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

75
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:07,280
Wilbur went to gather eggs
in the barn,

76
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,720
and when he walked back in,

77
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,040
<font color="

78
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:16,200
I said, "What on God's green earth
is the matter, Wilbur?"

79
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,920
He pointed at the window.

80
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:21,960
I looked out.

81
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:26,280
It was raining!

82
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:31,400
Raining for the first time
in 15 years!

83
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:35,920
Wilbur was crying with joy
<font color="

84
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:39,520
finally have a chance for life.

85
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,040
MAM SIGHS

86
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:44,400
Oh, beautiful performance, Mam.
Wow, Mam, that was amazing.

87
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,000
Absolutely exceptional.
It's beautiful.

88
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,840
Oh, friggin' hell.
Better get going - I've got to go

89
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:49,640
<font color="
speed awareness course.

90
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,320
Oh, promise me you'll be back
in time for the finale.

91
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:52,440
You've got to lift me up, remember.

92
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:53,680
Course, chick. Ta-ra!

93
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,760
Ta-ra. Bye, Mam. See you later.

94
00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:00,400
<font color="
for stepping in last minute.

95
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,680
Absolutely no probs, babes.

96
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:05,800
Luckily I had a small window
in my schedule.

97
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,960
Yeah, bloody Cliff Richard
impersonator cancelled on us.

98
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,520
Anyway, I think they're all in now,
<font color="

99
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,800
I'm ready.

100
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,800
Eee, you said that
with some determination.

101
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:19,800
I'm ready.

102
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:22,760
Ladies and gentlemen,

103
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,680
and all those in between,

104
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:29,640
please put your hands together
for Dickie.

105
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:36,440
<font color="

106
00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:44,920
Yes, it's me, Dickie.

107
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,040
And I'm finally getting married.

108
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:48,680
And not just to anyone.

109
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,400
I'm getting married to a duke!

110
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,720


111
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,920


112
00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,600
To who?

113
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,360
To a duke!

114
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:03,960
<font color="

115
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,600
Oh, and look -
my bridesmaids are here,

116
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,040
and they're telling me
how beautiful I look.

117
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,320
You look beautiful.
Very nice, yeah.

118
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,400
They won't upstage me, though,

119
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,760
because they're disgusting.

120
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,360


121
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,920
<font color="

122
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,360
To who?

123
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,080
To a duke!

124
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,800
Oh.

125
00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:30,320

in the morning

126
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:33,280

without prewarning

127
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,240


128
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,240
TUTTING

129
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,720
<font color="

130
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:45,200


131
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,320
Aargh!

132
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,760
SHOCKED GASPS

133
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:52,240


134
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:56,080


135
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:06,000
Sorry, chick.

136
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,320
Am I in the right place for
the speed awareness course?

137
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,760
<font color="

138
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,000
Eee, what are you doing 'ere?

139
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,600
Well... Don't give a shit.

140
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:18,520
Right, howay then, settle down.

141
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,760
Welcome to
the speed awareness course.

142
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,360
My name's Vanessa Yaris,
and over the next couple of hours

143
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:27,240
<font color="
all pass the course.

144
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,080
Failure to pass means
you'll have your driving licence

145
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:33,440
taken off you, and if you've brought
a vehicle with you here today,

146
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,640
I will be clamping
the fucking thing.

147
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,800
So...you better pass!

148
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:41,160
<font color="
"the next couple of hours"?

149
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:44,520
I thought this course was supposed
to be 60 minutes.

150
00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:47,240
Well, it would be 60 minutes
if you were to speed through

151
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,240
at 90 mile per hour.

152
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:53,080
But I think you'll find I'm more of
<font color="

153
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,640
Right, first things first.

154
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,040
Do any of yous own a Toyota Yaris?

155
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,840
I, ah, I used to have one
but I sold it last year.

156
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,720
Why on earth would you do that?

157
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,960
I'm sorry I'm late. I was so scared
to get caught speeding again

158
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,120
<font color="
an hour the whole way here.

159
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,400
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

160
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,520
Where d'you think you're off to?

161
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:18,920
Ah... Something's come up.

162
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:22,560
Well, FYI, it's an automatic fail
if you leave.

163
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:26,400
And that means no more driving
<font color="

164
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,840
Thought so.

165
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:38,480
Let me take you back to chapter one.

166
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:39,720
My childhood...

167
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,040
GLISSANDO HARP SOUND EFFECT

168
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,560
When I was young,
I was a skinny pauper boy

169
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,360
living on the streets
of Middlesbrough,

170
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,720
<font color="
was a small, weird rat.

171
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:10,000
Oh, Ratty, I love
hanging around with you

172
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:13,040
because, no matter how much
of a dirty street boy I am,

173
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,720
I know that I could never
be as repulsive as you.

174
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,000
You're right, Dickie.

175
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,400
<font color="

176
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,400
who shits himself
on an hourly basis.

177
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,920
Hey, I've got an idea!

178
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,760
Let's be blood brothers!

179
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,240
Ow! Ow, ow! Ah!

180
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,760
And then we drank
each other's blood,

181
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:37,640
<font color="

182
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:41,800
STEWART GAGS

183
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,200
I just don't get why it's always
at least half an hour late...

184
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,520
Why are you so desperate to see
that weirdo's shitshow anyway?

185
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:47,680
Because...

186
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:50,520
..I'm trying to develop
a friendship with him.

187
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,800
<font color="
an actor playing me in the show

188
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,560
and I want to see who he's got.

189
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,040
Ha! There it is -
the truth comes out.

190
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,080
It's actually all about you.
Oh, come on!

191
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,240
Let's just go in.

192
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,400
I couldn't think of anything worse
<font color="

193
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,240
that absolute loser's show
in an old folks' home, babe!

194
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:06,520
Yeah, go on.

195
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:07,760
I'll wait in the car.

196
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:09,040
Well, suit yourself.

197
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,160
Oh, my God, I'm absolutely buzzing!

198
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,840
They can't get enough
of me out there.

199
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,480
<font color="
in the front row?

200
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:19,720
He was proper dancing along.

201
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,440
He was actually having
a seizure, Dickie.

202
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:22,920
They had to wheel him out.

203
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:24,920
Did anyone see any agents?

204
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:27,560
I was trying to have a look, but
it's hard when you're in the zone.

205
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:28,720
<font color="

206
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:29,840
Eee, maybe.

207
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,920
I was also in the zone,
so I didn't really notice.

208
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,000
I suppose there was people there
that could have been agents

209
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,720
when they were younger. Yeah.

210
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,960
You know, it's true
<font color="

211
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:41,240
There really is no business
like show business.

212
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,400
Hey!

213
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,000
How long are you lot going
to be in here?

214
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,720
I can't hear myself think.

215
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,040
Hiya, Dickie.

216
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,520
Oh, thank Christ you're here, Gary.

217
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:52,680
<font color="

218
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:56,240
I did, yeah. I was hoping there'd be
time for us to sit down together,

219
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,120
possibly go through a few changes.

220
00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,280
Afraid not, babes.

221
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,120
I don't know why you'd want
to change anything anyway.

222
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,400
It's the story of MY life.

223
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,320
<font color="
says that I don't really agree with.

224
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,240
Oh, get a hold of yourself, Gary.
It's called acting.

225
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,560
Eh, sorry, Dickie, erm,
I was under the impression

226
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:14,000
it was just going to be, like,
a 20-minute drag show,

227
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,520
<font color="

228
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:19,720
and the residents are due their
afternoon cheese and crackers.

229
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,080
So if you could just speed
things up a bit, kid,

230
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,960
I'd really appreciate that.

231
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,760
Thank you.

232
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:27,000
Did you hear that?

233
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,160
They're gagging for me
<font color="

234
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,880
Right, come on, then, you lot.

235
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,520
The show must go on.

236
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,520
DICKIE CHUCKLES

237
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:35,040
Want to watch the show, Beryl?

238
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,520
No, not for me.

239
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,520
I can't stand drag queens.

240
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,120
Fruity twats.

241
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,480
Fair enough, babe.

242
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,960
Broom-broom!

243
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:52,000
<font color="

244
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,920
and when you're holding it,
I want the honest truth

245
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,120
from all of yous about why
you chose to speed.

246
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:07,120
OK. Erm, well, my name is Paula.

247
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,000
I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone.

248
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,720
Oh, and where did you need
<font color="

249
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,000
No, no, I just hadn't realised
it was a 20.

250
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:16,960
You see, I've just moved back
to the area,

251
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,800
and when I lived here before,
it was 30.

252
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:22,520
I don't need your entire
life story, Lewis Hamilton.

253
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,840
<font color="
of truth on, please.

254
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,840
My name is Mam.

255
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,840
And what is your truth, Mam?

256
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:36,080
I don't think you can handle
my truth.

257
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:38,520
Oh, I think I'll be OK.

258
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:39,560
All right.

259
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:42,800
The truth is, I have struggled
<font color="

260
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,400
because the mother of my child
decided to take my son away from me!

261
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,080
Right.

262
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,400
And what speed were you doing?

263
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:54,560
Well, my truth is that the husband
I loved had been lying to me

264
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,440
about who he was
<font color="

265
00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,800
May I remind the group
how extremely difficult it was

266
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:02,240
to come out back then?

267
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,680
All I wanted was acceptance,
and all I got was rejection!

268
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:09,400
I'd like to remind the group
that rejection comes in many forms,

269
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:12,520
<font color="
your husband of ten years

270
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,520
has never actually found you
sexually attractive

271
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,880
can feel pretty damn rejecting!

272
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:24,760
Oh! Fucking hell!

273
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:25,920
What the fuck was that?!

274
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,840
It's called hazard perception, mate.

275
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:30,440
<font color="

276
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,040
Tomorrow...

277
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:33,160
..it could be a child.

278
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:41,280
Chapter Five - Coming Out.

279
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:44,280
You know, guys, not a lot of people
know this about me because

280
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,400
I'm such a confident, horny guy,

281
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,960
but coming out to my family
was hard.

282
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:52,000
<font color="
in particular who just couldn't

283
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,880
deal with my homosexuality.

284
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:55,240
Uncle Gary.

285
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:03,280
I loved Uncle Gary,
but he hated the gays.

286
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,840
One day I thought,
"You know what? Fuck it.

287
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,480
"I'm going to come out to him."

288
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,960
<font color="

289
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,200
Hey, Uncle Gary.

290
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,440
Hello, Dickie.

291
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,560
I hate all homosexuals.

292
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:25,000
And on another note, I was just in
the area and thought I'd pop in

293
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,040
and see if you fancied coming
to watch a game

294
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,400
at the pub this weekend.

295
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:31,000
<font color="

296
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,160
No, mate.

297
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,280
The footy.

298
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,320
Ooh!

299
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,200
Oh, that.

300
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,840
I guess I'll think about it.

301
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:38,880
SNORING

302
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,320
Anyway, I've got
to tell you something.

303
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,240
I'm gay!

304
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,440
<font color="

305
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:50,000
Well, in that case, I don't want
anything to do with you, you...

306
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,480
..massive willy woofter!

307
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:58,400
So there I was,

308
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:03,040
cast out by my uncle,
hoist by my own petard.

309
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,880
What was a young virile homosexual
to do?

310
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,040
<font color="

311
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,800
I had to go straight.

312
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,280
Oh, God, if I was straight, maybe...

313
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:16,280
..maybe Uncle Gary would
finally accept me.

314
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:28,640
So...you been keeping well?

315
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:30,480
I'd prefer it if we didn't talk.

316
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:31,680
Right.

317
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,000
No problem.

318
00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,000
<font color="
what you want from me.

319
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,160
I thought you didn't want to talk.
I don't.

320
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:42,640
I don't get why you're here.

321
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:47,280
I got caught doing 30 in a 20 zone.

322
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:48,920
Not here!

323
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,360
Here.

324
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:54,440
Look, I just needed to tell you
<font color="

325
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,080
And what is it
you're specifically sorry for?

326
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,320
Forcing all my friends to disown me?

327
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:02,200
Or the fact you called me
a disgusting pervert

328
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,560
right in the middle of Sainsbury's?

329
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,640
Or simply the fact you took
my son away and moved

330
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,200
<font color="

331
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,440
I didn't know how to cope with it.

332
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,760
I mean, I'd never met
a gay person before.

333
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,040
You met Dale Winton at
the stage door of his panto.

334
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,960
It wasn't easy for me either.

335
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,200
I loved you, and you'd been
lying to me.

336
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,440
<font color="

337
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,640
Really?

338
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,000
It... Mm.

339
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:33,840
I...

340
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,760
It was a weird time.

341
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:42,920
I didn't know who I was.

342
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:45,400
I didn't even know what I was.

343
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,120
And so, yes, I...

344
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:52,520
..I lied about certain things,
and for that I'm sorry.

345
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,960
<font color="

346
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,800
was the love I had for you.

347
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,720
I frigging loved you, Paula.

348
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:05,560
And I loved...

349
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,960
I still love our son.

350
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,560
I never wanted Ed to be
without his dad.

351
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,120
I was just trying to protect him.

352
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,400
Protect him from what?

353
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,640
<font color="
The evil eyeliner?

354
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:17,880
The terrifying tits?

355
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:21,800
For one, from the bullies
at his school who tormented him

356
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,400
when they found out about you.

357
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,400
He was bullied?

358
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:27,640
You didn't know that, did you?

359
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:34,320
I thought I was doing
<font color="

360
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:35,880
for Ed and for me.

361
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,760
But I wasn't.

362
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,400
It was wrong,

363
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:42,480
and I'm really, really sorry.

364
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,200
Ow!

365
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,720
Hazard perception, mate!

366
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,000
How do I do it, you guys?

367
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,920
I can't be straight.

368
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,160
<font color="

369
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,160
LOUDER: I'm gut-wrenching
little gay boy.

370
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,560
Mel! That's your cue.

371
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,480
TENSE STRING MUSIC

372
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,440


373
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,560


374
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,040


375
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,160


376
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:24,720
<font color="

377
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,880
You've been in the closet before.

378
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,840
It's time to climb back in.

379
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,760
If I want to become straight,

380
00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:35,440
I'm going to have to start dressing
like these straight guys.

381
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:39,080
But what sort of things
do they wear?

382
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,160
Wait, I got it!

383
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,600
<font color="

384
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:49,400


385
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:56,280
Oh, you guys, well, I think I got
the heterosexual attire right.

386
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:59,520
What sort of things
do these straight guys say?

387
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,560
Oh, come on, Dickie.

388
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,160
Think!

389
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:06,960
Wait, I've got it.

390
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,200
<font color="

391
00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:14,440


392
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:21,200

and her mascara...

393
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,640
Guys, I don't want to jinx it,
but...

394
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,160
I think I'm straight!

395
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:29,920


396
00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,800


397
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:41,960
<font color="

398
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:48,120
SPARSE APPLAUSE

399
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,880
Right, it's the interval now, so...

400
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,720
Quick, get this jacket on me, Sal.

401
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,000
I've had to get Stewart
to do his shit tap routine.

402
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,320
He's probably sucking
the energy out of the room.

403
00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:00,120
<font color="

404
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:01,240
Go for it! Go on, Ratty!

405
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,240
Go on, my son!

406
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,080
Where the hell's Neil?

407
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:07,080
Oh, thank Christ.
What time do you call this, Neil?

408
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,280
Sorry, Dickie.

409
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:11,680
Weirdly, a couple of cats started
attacking me on the way here.

410
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,200
<font color="

411
00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:16,440
I haven't got time
for your excuses, Neil.

412
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,480
Here. This is the script.

413
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,000
You're playing the role of Harrison.

414
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,240
I've got a couple of scenes
to do beforehand,

415
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,320
so familiarise yourself
with it, please.

416
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:25,880
<font color="

417
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,160
and find out how long
she's going to be.

418
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:28,640
Aye-aye, captain.

419
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:33,120
Remember, Neil, don't be shit.

420
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:34,800
WHISPERS: Good note.

421
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,920
Right, do you want the good news
or the bad news?

422
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,160
Hmm?

423
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:43,240
<font color="
I've got cystitis...again.

424
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:46,360
And the good news is, it's the end
of the course and you've all passed.

425
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:48,960
Fucking get in!

426
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,320
Except for you.

427
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:51,600
What? Why me?

428
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,040
Only people who appreciate
what a solid hatchback

429
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,640
<font color="

430
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,680
You sold your Yaris.

431
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,760
Clearly, you're not right
in the fucking head.

432
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,640
Laters.

433
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,400
Hey, you fucking moron.
Hey, you fucking moron.

434
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,280
<font color="

435
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,920
HE VOCALIZES

436
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,320
HE STRAINS

437
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,560
HE LIP-TRILLS

438
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:18,840
Oh...

439
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:23,000
I heard you might be about.
Lucinda, I'm so glad to see you.

440
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,200
I've got something to show you.

441
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:27,480
<font color="
of some other girl's name?

442
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,320
Well...
Are you kidding me?

443
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,720
Oh, no, look.

444
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,800
Coriander?
No, it's meant to say Lucinda.

445
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,800
I suppose I can sort of see that.

446
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:45,960
Heh-heh!

447
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,440
Ooh!

448
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,440
<font color="

449
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:54,480
Chapter 17 - Heartbreak.

450
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:58,400
I guess you're all wondering
who it was that broke my heart.

451
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,920
Well, his name...was Harrison.

452
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,520
Everyone used to say that Harrison
was punching above his weight

453
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:20,200
with me, which I thought was cruel,
<font color="

454
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:21,880
Hello, Harrison, my love.

455
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,840
Oh, hi...you fucking moron!

456
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:27,320
I know I said I loved you
and you were the fittest person

457
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,880
that I've ever seen,

458
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:31,600
but I'm dropping you
like a sack of shit!

459
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,920
No, no, don't do this!

460
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,200
<font color="
we've built together!

461
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,920
Get to fuck.

462
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:39,920
HE SPITS

463
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,840
I'm sick of being the ugly one
in this relationship.

464
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,920
Oh!
I can't help my beauty.

465
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:47,800
'Ere! That's not how it happened!

466
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,240
<font color="
Sal, chick.

467
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,120
I'm sprinting all the way now.

468
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:57,480
OK, see you in a bit.

469
00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,280
The absolute bell-end!

470
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:01,760
Need a lift?

471
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,880
No, I... I'll manage, thanks.

472
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:09,840
PHONE VIBRATES

473
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:10,960
Hi, chick.

474
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:13,480
<font color="
We're nearly at the finale.

475
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,960
I've had to put Stewart
back on to fill time.

476
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,240
We need your strong arms
for the ending.

477
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:20,800
I have? I have?!

478
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:29,760
I'm not one to judge, babe, but you
have missed a couple of my cues.

479
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:30,800
<font color="

480
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,400
but your cue sheet isn't
the easiest thing to follow.

481
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:34,920
Excuses, excuses.

482
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,840
Is... Oh...

483
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,880
I see the way you drive hasn't
changed after all these years.

484
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:46,360
Hoo!

485
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,320
Listen...

486
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,640
<font color="
I wanted to give you something.

487
00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,360
He's a proper adult now
and everything.

488
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,880
Thanks for the lift.

489
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:16,040
I know those are my earrings,
by the way.

490
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:17,560
Fine to keep them.

491
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:22,640
Oh!

492
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,320
My wedding to the duke
<font color="

493
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,400
"But who is the duke?"
I hear you all cry.

494
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:37,000
Oh, here he is now.

495
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:39,960
Who is the duke?

496
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:44,760
The duke...is me,

497
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,320
because the person
I've grown to love...

498
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,040
is myself.

499
00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:59,600
That's right, boys,

500
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,760
<font color="

501
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:03,720
Dickie never even left.

502
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:07,440
Hey, you guys,
you want to know a secret?

503
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:08,920
Yeah! Yeah!

504
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,160
I had an epiphany today.

505
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:12,840
What was your epiphany, Dickie?

506
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:15,960
Ha! You really want
to know my epiphany?

507
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,280
<font color="

508
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:18,920
Coo-ee!

509
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,040
Oh, it's you.

510
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,520
All right, Arabella?
What are you doing here?

511
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,480
Oh, just picking up Mel.

512
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,560
We've got a hot date tonight.

513
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:28,960
Right.

514
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,080
SHE EXHALES DEEPLY

515
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:37,160
<font color="
steamy sesh tonight,

516
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,360
if you...catch my drift.

517
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,240
That's great to hear, babe.

518
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:44,800
OK, I'll tell you.

519
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,600
My epiphany was...

520
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,080
that I don't need no man.

521
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:51,160
You want to know why?

522
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,480


523
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:58,840
<font color="

524
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:01,280
You know, I wasn't sure
how to tell you this,

525
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:05,160
but Mel isn't into
weird mole creatures,

526
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,640
so I'd give up now if I were you.

527
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:09,440
Are you taking the piss?

528
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:10,760
No, babe.

529
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:13,840
I'm not taking the piss.

530
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,440
<font color="

531
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,760
She's. Not. Going. To. Fuck. You.

532
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:23,120
Howay, then, dickhead, let's go!

533
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:24,280
As it was!

534
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:25,960
Get your filthy hands off me!

535
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:27,440
You daft Made In Chelsea cow!

536
00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:31,520
Lift me higher, boys!

537
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:34,000
GROWLS: Higher, for fuck's sake.

538
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:35,400
We're trying.

539
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:36,720
<font color="

540
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,920
What are you trying to say, Lucinda?

541
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:42,880
Let the whole world see
that I don't need a man,

542
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,040
cos I got me.

543
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:50,320

I'm in love, I'm in love...

544
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:51,640
You stupid cow!

545
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,600


546
00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,080
<font color="

547
00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,200
Fucking hell!

548
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,360
She is a fucking liability.
I'm not joking, babe.

549
00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:06,240
The sooner we leave
this shithole town, the better.

550
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:10,320
MOUTHS: You OK?

551
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,040
What a show!

552
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,040
<font color="

553
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,920
Listen, I was wondering
if you had representation.

554
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,760
That was the whole point of today,
but nobody showed up.

555
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,360
Ah. The name's Shingles -

556
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:38,680
Barry Shingles
from Shingles Associates.

557
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:42,800
I'd like to buy you a coffee and
<font color="

558
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,880
No way!
Barry, come on.

559
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:46,800
You're overdue your meds.

560
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:48,680
But he's got a business card
and everything.

561
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,360
It's a cheese slice, mate.

562
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:54,120
Ugh!
The name's Shingles -

563
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:56,560
Barry Shingles
<font color="

564
00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:59,840
Barry, that's the water cooler,
mate.

565
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:01,960
No, no, he's the next big thing,
I tell you.

566
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:06,880
Well done, Dickie.

567
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,240
It was...

568
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:11,560
Well, it...it was different.

569
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,080
Cheers, babes.

570
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,280
<font color="

571
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:21,280
Can I buy you a quick drink at the
pub across the road to say congrats?

572
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:24,200
Suppose I could have half a sherry.

573
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,920
What are you still doing in here?
It finished ages ago.

574
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:29,800
Howay.

575
00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:32,600
Actually, I'm going to get Dickie
<font color="

576
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,720
HE LAUGHS

577
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,720
Er, no, you're not.

578
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,840
Er, yeah, I am.

579
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:41,680
Fuck this.

580
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:52,960
Eee, congrats on your tap routine
today, hon.

581
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:54,240
They bloody loved it.

582
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:56,120
You practically stole the show.

583
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:58,320
<font color="

584
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:01,840
What's that, Mam?

585
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,960
Ah, it's a photo of Ed.

586
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:07,040
Who the fuck's Ed?
He's my son.

587
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:08,920
He's all grown-up.

588
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:10,400
It was given to me by Paula.

589
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:15,800
Let us see, Mam.
Let's have a look.

590
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:17,400
Oh, I have.

591
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,240
<font color="

592
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:22,240
Aw!

593
00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:28,120
My God, he's fit as fuck, him, like.

594
00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:29,800
GENTLY: Aw...